I’ve started to realize recently that I’ve had very little luck in training my cats. I’ll freely admit I haven’t spent much time trying to train them. Not that I don’t think I could, more because I think they would look at it as a revolt and simply move to another house.
But as I was thinking about inability, or lack of effort I guess, I started to notice they’ve certainly been training me. And I think they are pretty close to total home domination. Here are the signs I’ve noticed so far that you should look out for…
#1 Your Furniture is All the Same Color As Your Cats
Is your furniture all the same color? Perhaps your floors are the same color too? All of the furniture in my living room is grey and so are the wood floors too! And what color is my cat? Grey…
Now I like to think I made this decision consciously and it was all my own thinking. But as I think back I’m starting to wonder if my cats used mind control on me.
They’ve convinced me to purchase furniture that would likely enable them to blend into it so they can pounce on me more effectively if the need ever arises.
Step one toward home domination.
#2 You Get Out of Bed In a Special Way to Not Disturb Your Cats
My cats both sleep in bed with me, well, when they bother to go to sleep. I even wrote this article on how to help you get them to sleep through the night. Some nights it works better than others.
From time to time I have terrible nights of sleep. No surprise, we all do. But, my cats sleep somewhere between 16-20 hours a day.
Even though they fall back asleep practically instantly I make a special effort not to disturb them.
I will jockey myself around every which way to ensure that they are not bumped or prodded and continue to sleep peacefully.
I almost never complain when they wake me up and they do it all the time! Why am I going so far out of my way to avoid waking them up?
I tell myself it is because they are so fluffy and cute, but we all know they’re using some form of mind control on us…Common theme?
Step two toward home domination.
#3 You Purposely Sit in Positions That Make Your Cat Comfortable
I have two cats and neither of them are big lap cats. Beastling (my grey cat) is a pretty big sissy when it comes to sitting near me in general, but once in a while she will sleep in my lap.
This is a rarity seen about as commonly as a cat chasing a dog down the street.
That being said, Beastling will only sleep in my lap in a very specific manner. I must be sitting on the couch and my legs must be up on the coffee table directly out in front of me.
If I’m not sitting like this she will simply lay down next to me instead. Nobody wants their cat to lay down next to them!
We all want them in our lap! If you’re like I was and you think you’re luring your cat into your lap you’re wrong. Your cat has trained you to sit the way she wants you to for maximum warmth and comfort.
Step three toward home domination.
#4 Your Cat Has More Possessions Than You Do (In Particular More Toys)
My cats are spoiled, extremely spoiled. They have more of everything than I do except maybe kitchen knives:
- They have more beds than I do.
- They have more toys than I do.
- They have more special sprays (catnip spray, flea spray, puke smell cover up spray – all I have is one bottle of cologne I rarely use).
- They have their own water fountain! Well, I guess I have a Soda Stream.
- They have their own pet hair model vacuum!
- I’d even argue they have more clothes if I count each hair as an article of clothing!
You get the idea. I spend a lot of time looking for things I think will entertain them, make them happy, make them eat better.
That’s where my spare time goes, pleasing them. They’ve enslaved me and I don’t even wear chains.
Step four toward home domination.
#5 You Scoop Their Litter Box As Much as They Desire
Some cats don’t mind a bit of a dirty litter box. Some do. In fact that’s a common reason they simply stop using the litter box and go somewhere in the house.
If we humans find a dirty bathroom at home though we can’t just poop on the floor.
Well, I mean, we can. But most of us don’t. Or I like to think so at least. If you do, please stop reading now and re-evaluate your life.
Back to cats. They’re basically letting you know you’ve been slacking on your duties (hehehe – doodies – thanks Chandler from Friends) and you had better get to work.
If you’re already scooping between every litter box use then they’ve finished training you.
Step five toward home domination.
#6 You Know What Time They Eat Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
Now you may think that you’re the one that has outlined their eating schedule to ‘help them’ in some way shape or form.
Oh, if I feed her smaller portions more often she won’t throw up as much. Oh, if I feed her only dry food she actually eats.
Do you think your cats were getting sick by accident when eating too fast?
Or perhaps they just weren’t hungry when you put out the healthy wet food you spent $2.60 a can on from whatever Organic Grain Free brand your cats refuse to eat?
Doubtful. Your cat knows you’re susceptible to manipulation and has tricked you.
We don’t give them credit for it because they are ‘simple animals,’ but cats are willing to sacrifice for the long term.
Cat Thought: “Puke a few times here and there and then get fed exactly when I want every day by an awesome machine? You got it.”
Cat Thought: “Go hungry once or twice to ensure I get only the food I want from here on out? Bring on the hunger strike pithy human.”
Step six toward home domination.
#7 You’re Never Allowed to Close The Door, Especially the Bathroom Door
While this applies to most doors in the house, it especially applies to the bathroom door.
Now I’ll admit that I’m the lucky side of things because my cats aren’t big on scratching up doors. But, that doesn’t mean they don’t make a closed door a nightmare.
We tried it a few times with our bedroom door and every few seconds the whole night we just got a slight ‘Bump, bump, bump.’
It is like they are asking ‘Oh, it this closed? Are you looking at other cats in there on reddit?’
No big deal, we’ll check again in a few seconds. ‘Bump, bump, bump.’
You’d think they would have gotten a headache from it. And maybe they did. I suppose it was worth the sacrifice though.
The bedroom door now stays cracked with a shoe between it so they can get in and out freely.
That is of course on most nights. Once in a while they ‘allow’ us to lock them in the office so we can get a peaceful night of sleep.
That lets us feed the illusion we are in control while they run the place like a prison with rights to leave for work.
Step seven toward home domination.
#8 You Work From Home, When Not Petting the Cat
I’d say my two cats are a little less controlling than other cats are with their humans. They let me work for a few minutes at a time when the mood strikes them.
But they’re surprisingly good at coordinated assaults to ensure I get as little as done possible at other times.
One sleeps and the other walks all over me. Then they switch places and one meows like crazy while I’m on a call for work.
Normally I don’t mind paying attention to them, but sometimes you just want to knock out some work and they just won’t get off of your keyboard.
They’re basically telling you that when they go to sleep later you can work. Right now I’m important! They’re right…
Step eight toward home dominance.
#9 You Own the Pet Hair Version of Every Cleaning Supply
Do you have a pet hair vacuum? Do you also have a second robot vacuum just to help minimize the pet hair and litter tracking? I do.
I also have about 1,000 lint rollers scattered throughout my house and even those old school red magic wand style lint rollers too.
For large projects they are far more environmentally conscious I tell myself.
I even own numerous cat brushes. Cat hair gloves, long hair brushes, short hair brushes, medium hair brushes. On it goes!
No matter how often I brush them there is always more hair to share. They are making sure I know who runs the place.
I think if they moved out tomorrow there would still be cat hair floating around 5 years later.
Step nine toward home dominance.
#10 You Own a Web Cam ‘Just To Check On Them’ When You’re At Work
You probably have yourself a Pet Cube. Or maybe even a feeder or treat dispenser you can access remotely from from work or while you’re away.
You tell yourself you’re just doing it because you want to make sure they aren’t causing any damage or make sure they aren’t injured.
But you know that what’s really happened. They’ve convinced you to look at them to see they live the dream while you’re at work all day! They just want to rub it in our faces.
I mean, you’re taking a break from your vacation, or your job, to basically entertain the cat that was supposed to be there for you!
Cat Thought: “One day you humans can live like this! Just relax and eat and sleep. But only after you’ve made sure my life is amazing…”
Step ten toward home dominance.
#11 You Order Many Products Online At Once So You Get the BIG Box
You know you do it. You have 2 or 3 things in your Amazon cart and you could order. You’re Prime after all. The elite of the elite.
But no. Not yet. It is only a swimsuit and a Bluetooth speaker. The box won’t even be big enough for Fluffy to fit her head in!
I’ll just wait, or no, I won’t wait. I’ll order a compost bin for the backyard even though I live in downtown Chicago and have no room for one.
Wait, I don’t need a compost bin. Wait, yes I do, the box will be huge. The cats will love it!
Note this has never happened to me. I’m just letting you know so you can look out for yourself.
I want you to be aware of the consequences of having a 3x3x3 compost bin and a 12×12 “backyard.”
Step eleven. Home dominated.
Craig is the founder and author of the cat blog StuffCatsWant.com. StuffCatsWant provides product reviews about all sorts of cat and cat related products and gives advice on general cat care. Craig has owned numerous cats, fostered even more cats and is a long time volunteer at PAWS Chicago.
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