Training Your Human

To continue Katzenworld’s series on training, Pawfessor Loki and Headmeowstress River offer some of their most trusted techniques for training your human housemates.

Chances are, you know most of these methods like the back of your own paw. But just in case you were napping through Kittengarten, Katzenworld has you covered.

Problem: Your Human is Glued to their Mobile Device

Pawfewssor Loki brings his years of feline wisdom to the clawsroom.
Pawfessor Loki

It doesn’t matter whether your human uses a tablet or a smartphone. If they are holding either one, chances are they are not petting or brushing you.

It’s best to take a direct approach here. You can communicate most effectively by getting right on top of the offending electronics.

Jump into your human’s lap, and rub your face against their smartphone or tablet. Stick your face over the edge of the screen. Walk repeatedly in front of the screen, making it impossible for your human to crush candy or text. Head-butt the device until they lose their grip. They’ll get the message, better than if you sent them an e-meow!

Why should your human waste time watching cute cat videos on MewTube when they have an adorable (and neglected) feline right in front of them?

Problem: Your Human’s Paws Stink

Let’s face it: Humans don’t spend nearly enough time grooming. As a result, their paws – particularly, their back paws – can get pretty malodorous.

How can you get them to groom? Simple. Save up your best hairballs for their bedside. Their rants of displeasure will be gratuitous comic relief. And we guarantee they will wash their stinky paws!

Problem: Your Human Clutters Your Climbing Spaces

Shelves are meant for climbing, not for knick-knacks. Why should your human take up your climbing and lounging spaces with ceramic cat figurines? After all, you are the genuine article!

The same logic applies to TV trays cluttered with remote controls, drinking glasses, or dishes. Again, this is valuable cat real estate that can be easily reclaimed.

Headmeowstress River gives a lesson on proper technique for clearing climbing spaces.
Headmeowstress River

Headmeowstress River, a renowned gravity tester, offers this foolproof approach.

With a seemingly tentative paw, push repeatedly on the obtrusive object. Slowly but surely, it will slide like a dog on ice toward the floor.

This technique can also be applied to kitchen counters and the top of the refrigerator, which are prime lounging spots.

Bonus: Rounded objects – such as small bottles, salt shakers, and pepper pots – make fantastic toys once they hit the floor.

Problem: Your Human Keeps Wearing Colors that Contrast with Your Fur

Whether they know it or not, your human is privileged to be part of your feline family. The least they can do to display their gratitude is to show allegiance to your fur colors.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a beautiful black cat whose human keeps wearing white, or a creampuff whose human dresses on the somber side. The solution is the same.

Mark them with your scent and your excess fur at every opportunity. One day, they will cast aside their sticky rollers and lint brushes, and embrace their destiny. They will dress to match the world’s most fashionable creatures – their cats.

In Conclusion

Even though your human may seem untrainable, don’t despair! With time, patience, and purrseverance, these techniques will improve your human’s behavior.

River & Loki at their Unifursity office.
River & Loki at their Unifursity office

When not bowing to the whims and wishes of her furry overlords, Michelle spends her time creating content and copy for businesses and nonprofits. Find out more at stellawriting.com.

When not passing their wisdom on to other felines, Headmeowstress River and Pawfessor Loki can be found napping in every imaginable corner of the house.

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I specialize in freelance blogging, copywriting, and content creation for businesses and nonprofits. I provide these services through my company, StellaWriting LLC. Find me online at stellawriting.com, and on Twitter (@stellawriting).
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21 thoughts on “Training Your Human

  1. Artemis here, the boat cat. Miaow! I certainly agree with all this, especially about the humans using electronic devices. I find sitting on a warm keyboard soon grabs their attention!

  2. Hi, Kosmo here from Finland, oh cats, this was a great post, I have to try now that tablet advice, mom already uses only black and white. Thank you so much, this makes life so much easier. Miauuu, this is meow in finnish.

  3. LOL My cats were certainly paying attention in Kittengarten as they employ all the techniques mentioned. Unfortunately, I’m a slow learner; however, they are very patient and keep trying.

  4. Very good advice indeed.Thank you so much River and Loki. We are doing our best over here… Big whiskery kisses from Phoebe, Leo, Error Flynn and Merlin, the cool cats of Carleton Place.

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