A Cat’s Guide to New Appliances

Hello, Humans! This is Gwennie again! I’m pleased to be back here a second time.  I don’t normally take the time to thank anyone for anything, but I would like to thank Mr. Marc for recognizing my talent and allowing me to write on his blog.  Now that I’ve said thank you, I feel nauseous.  But that’s beside the point.

Today’s blog is all about the right and wrong way to install new appliances when you’re owned by a cat.

On Thanksgiving night, our refrigerator – Clyde – decided he’d had enough of this world. He turned off his compressor.  That alarmed Boy-Dadda. Fortunately, Clyde turned his compressor back on and Samuel – our turkey/leftovers was saved.

A few days after Thanksgiving, Momma came running down the stairs, with Little Missy tucked under her arm like a football.

“Throw her, Momma,” I screamed. “I’ll smile at you if you toss her down the stairs.”

Momma completely disregarded my instructions. Rude! Instead of tossing Little Missy’s ugly butt down the stairs, she placed Little Missy inside of the laundry room and shut the door which was just fine by me. I didn’t want to look at Little Missy’s unfortunate face any more.

Then the unthinkable happened.  Momma grabbed me and took me down stairs, locking me in the laundry room with Little Missy.  I had a few choice words for Momma – none of which are appropriate to repeat here.

While we were trapped in the laundry room, Little Missy and I heard loud scraping, pounding and sometimes even banging sounds coming from upstairs.  “Something’s not right,” Little Missy said.

“Don’t talk to me! You’re ugly!” I said even though it pained me to admit that Little Missy was right.

When Momma finally let us up from the basement, I could smell the unmistakable odor of preverts in the air.  (A prevert is a foul, repugnant life form that often takes the shape of humans. Momma says it’s not a real word. I don’t care; I’m a cat.)

I needed to make sure that everything was safe, so I pushed Little Missy up the stairs first. Fortunately for Little Missy, everything was fine. Unfortunately for me, so was Little Missy.

But the kitchen was NOT fine! The kitchen was different.  Clyde was gone! So was Sally (the dishwasher), Beauford (the oven) and Randal (the microwave.) They were all gone!  All of them! And in their places were new appliances.  And they all smelled like preverts!

I’ve spent the last couple of weeks rubbing my pheromones all over the new appliances, trying to eliminate their awful odor.

Photo 2

The microwave is going to be a problem.  It’s too high up for me to reach.

Here’s the moral of the story. As supervisory cat-in-charge of household operations, I reserve the right to hiss, snarl, snap, swat and bite at anyone or anything who enters my home – in particular if they are removing my belongings.  Momma’s decision to incarcerate me in the laundry room was inappropriate.

Remember, Humans, your cats own you! Not the other way around.  Don’t ever install anything new or different without their prior knowledge and consent! I’m going to need a spa day after all the rubbing I’ve had to do to improve the overall smell of the kitchen.

Photo 3

Here’s a photo of Little Missy staring at her reflection in the new stove. Apparently she’s the only creature in the world not terrorized by her own image.  Way to go, Little Missy!

Momma hasn’t named the new appliances yet and this disturbs me greatly.  If anyone reading this has any suggestions, please let me know.

Thank you for reading my blog. I’ll think of you all fondly – until it makes my head hurt.

Sincerely,

Gwennie

My name is Gwendolynn Anne Marie Stefani Collins-Silver. I’m a cat and I don’t care….about anything except for my momma, A. Marie Silver – mother of two human kittens and editor of a literary magazine that no one cares about because it’s not about me!

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A. Marie Silver is a mother to a three-year-old who growls for no particular reason and a 2-year-old who chews on the furniture. When she’s not trying to convince her children they are, in fact, human, she is also a wife, an editor for Pilcrow & Dagger, and a writer working on her first novel.

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21 thoughts on “A Cat’s Guide to New Appliances

  1. OMC, I think your staff have broken every law in the kitty universe ( For the record, kitty law goes above human law). Honestly, if I was you I should watch for some new staff. Tough last decades the quality of staff is going down hill like a meteorite crashes into the sun. I love the time when we cats were worshipped as the supreme and ultimate creature in the universe, they bowed for us.
    Oh well, the good times, can keep talking about them but that doesn’t solve your problem. I would demand at least one spa day for each appliance and tuna every day.
    Now, I going to hide this article or my staff thinks I’m plotting the end of humanity again.

    Purs,
    Billy The Time Cat

  2. Thank you for the heads up, Ann Marie ! Our late Coolidge in his day didn’t blink when we replaced, one at a time, our refrigerator, stove, and microwave. But appliances probably aren’t always a big guy thing. Effie, on the other hand, would likely be quite take-charge about the process. I have a death warrant out on our dishwasher, and there is real potential she will have some input to contribute.

      1. I have a feeling she’ll want to go with stainless steel again, and I’m ready for white! My husband’s idea is that what we have is better than what they’re making now, so it could be a while.

  3. Imagine !
    I never realised that new appliances needed permission from the cat masters and mistresses of the house. I wish my house cat would love my appliances a little more. He seems to want to run outside all the time now.
    Susie

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